It’s all I have left of him – a pair of footprints locked away, never to be seen again, and a single heart filled with petals that hangs in the kitchen window.
I had convinced myself, for a long time, that this week would come, I would acknowledge it and we would continue on.
Life, it doesn’t exactly wait for your emotions to catch up.
Here we are, wrapped up in this busy week with news of big business partnerships, community events to plan and the beach calling our names. It would seem the whole continuing on theory is playing out quite nicely.
But, I’m supposed to be having a baby.
Nearly 6 months ago, our son Linden died.
He’d only spent 20 weeks inside my belly – a very sick little guy who seemingly never had a chance.
Today we would have been at full term waiting for his birth.
My body has been aching all week, like it knows it’s supposed to have been doing the hard work of childbirth and now can’t reconcile not being able to follow through.
My heart, well, I’m not sure it will ever entirely stop aching. The sense of unrealized motherhood is overwhelming.
Yet, I’ve stopped trying to make sense of Linden’s death, because really it’s senseless.
I’ve traded it for what his loss gave way to, what he has inspired or forced to the forefront with me.
I see Earth Day and Community Gardens.
I see NeighbourWood Walks and the SPROUTS Kids Gardening series, Local Food and literacy.
I see new partnerships, strengthened relationships, burgeoning community and hope.
It’s all I’m willing to see – a hope that our guardian angel continues to help us foster the connections that so deeply bind us all.
For the last half a year, I’ve been working hard on reconciling my own sense of loss with the sense of purpose that just plain has to come from the darkest moments of our lives.
Every day I push my feet into the ground, get my balance, hug my beautiful girl and close my eyes before heading off to work.
Linden is there, I know it – lingering overhead wanting to be a part of it all.
M sees him, talks to him, and when you ask her if she has any brothers or sisters will always give anyone doing the asking the frank answer of a preschooler, “I have a brother, but he’s dead.”
Those two remind me regularly that life is not perfect, often not the happiest, rarely turns out the way you suspected.
But, if love is the goal, the motivation, the resolution – the sense of purpose – then it doesn’t matter how it turns out, because you lived and acted for love.
In death, Linden had given me the space and the energy, the motivation, the reason, the drive to do things for love.
Today, I’m supposed to be having a baby.
Instead, I suspect – in the words of Nietzsche – I gave birth to a dancing star.
I am kind of wordless, but wanted to leave a comment here anyway. Your words brought tears to my eyes this morning and at the same time a warm little smile. HUGS.
HUGS
I would have been full term June 11th. A bitter sweet day as it’s also my oldests birthday. Don’t know how I will react when the day actually comes. We somehow became pregnant immediately after our loss so it helped take our minds off the sadness of losing the other, but it never fully goes away.
Hugs to you. Rejoice in the love and time you were able to have with that child even as short as it was. We were still blessed to have them a part of our lives.
More HUGS
Thinking of you, RK&M
Robin, your strength and courage inspires me everyday. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs to you, M and K. With all my love.
More hugs from me to you and K & M. My heart goes out to you all. Thinking of you.
Robin,
I watched a program the other night called ‘Courageous Heart, The Story of Irena Sendlar.’ It is a true story about Irena Sendler who was a Polish woman living on the outskirts of a ghetto in Poland during the second world war. Her and a few other women dedicated thier lives to rescuing children from the ghetto and bringing them to homes of Polish people who were willing to raise them until the war was over. Of course they hoped that the parents would survive, but of course most of them didn’t. Irena and her small brigade risked thier lives every day and managed to escort 2500 children safely out of the ghetto. This meant taking them from thier parents. Thier parents had to give them up so that they would live.
At the end of the program, Irena, who was now into her early 90’s gave a tribute to mothers who have had to give up their babies and children. I managed to hold it together throughout the program until I heard her speak. This woman had experienced and seen more than I know to be bearable. I thought of all of the women that I know who have given babies up. I grieved for each of them, including you.
Thank you for sharing the deep matters of your heart with us openly and beautifully. Comfort, peace, and many blessings to you, K, and M.
Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.
Yikes, I don’t know what to say. My heart aches for you and I am so sorry that you have had to endure this loss. I am thinking of you and wishing you strength.
There really are no words………Your strength and honesty are an inspiration. You will never forget but may you and your family find peace.
As my almost five year old son so wise in his youth says…..” when we die are bodies are gone but are sparkles live on forever.”
Robin, enjoy the love and sparkles that your dancing star has blessed you with for eternity.
You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your words with the world. Know we are thinking of you and are so proud of all you have created: M, L, and OBE! xo
My heart goes out to you and your family Robin. I am sending hugs your way. Your words and insight are an inspiration. Thanks!
Robin,
I can attest to the fact that it is often the darkest moments in our lives that give way to the moments which leave you breathless and full of love. Your family is in my heart today and tonight I’ll keep an eye out for your little dancing star.
xoxo
Sending love to you, my friend. xox
Thinking about you….
Nate & Dese
As he hears your words he says, “mommy thanks for the song”. Beautiful, beautiful words Robin.
Hi Robin, tonight I’m thinking of you, K and M, and your little angel – you are amazing in that you always see the positive and that is truly a gift and an inspiration to us all
Thank you for your writing what’s in your heart; it’s healing to so many. You are a gift to all of us mothers. Thank you for the reminder to stop and appreciate what we have. Many hugs to K & M and to you; you are a warrior woman.
I was keeping it together until I read Kim’s words…….. now I’m brought to tears & wishing our little boy was home tonight, instead of having a sleepover at Grandma & Grandpa’s house, so that I could creep in and watch him sleep, as I do every night before going to bed myself. A parent always wishes for the blessing of going first, to never have to bury your child……. we recently celebrated the 3rd Birthday since my brother’s death…. I can only imagine your pain. Know that you are being thought of with warm hearts!
Wow!! Thank you for sharing and being so open at such an emotional time. We all handle loss in so many ways. I admire the positive outlook. Our thoughts are with you and K and M. XXXX
From the very depths of my soul, I love you guys. It’s been a very rough week full of as many opportunities as possible to avoid and deflect. But, it’s when I need to cry, to really feel my raw emotions for what they are, that I turn to all of you.
Thank you so much for supporting me through this incredibly revealing journey and allowing me the space to be where I am at, no matter where that is.
We all have our darkness, it’s what we do with it that leads us down the path one way or the other.
xo,
Robin
Dear Robin,
We lost our first baby at only 8 weeks old in utero, and the loss even then, is profound…Our second was born on the day that we took our first’s positive pregnancy test, one year later exactly. Walking through the darkness, the storm, brings love and family and strength on the other side. Wild blessings to you. Glad that you are taking hold of precious moments and opportunities and walking bravely through your journey.
Be well.