I had no choice.
I had to write this article about the fears that accompany motherhood. I apologize in advance for the heaviness of the topic. I realize it is a contrast from the usual sweet spirit of most Our Big Earth posts, but like I said, I had no choice.
Let me explain.
It was like any other family day at my house: my husband and I vying for time to ourselves, a mound of household chores screaming to be done, and three little people desperate for some attention (our nephew was visiting).
Divide-and-conquer had been the approach to the day and I was just about to settle in to some well-deserved “me time” at the computer when my husband yells up, “I’m taking the boys to the dock to fish for bullheads and pick up a fresh halibut.”
My fear-filled mommy brain kicked in immediately, “He’s going to take three kids, one wobbling more than walking, to the docks to go fishing alone? You’ve got to be kidding!”
Would he pack the life jackets?
Would he watch their every move?
Would he hold on to my baby for dear life?
These thoughts were echoed with, “That is so cool that he’s going to take the kids fishing, what fun, how spontaneous, they’ll love it, and we’ll get a freezer full of halibut. Perfect.”
It was like one of those animated cartoons with a devil on one shoulder whispering dark thoughts into my ear and an angel on the other.
Seconds after my husband’s announcement, I was racing after them, life jackets in hand, “me time” abandoned for something much more important—keeping my kids alive!
With the boys stuffed into life jackets fishing began. I had a moment to look around. You can imagine my astonishment to read the name of the boat we were directly across from, Sans Peur (French for “without fear”).
Then I read the name of the boat right beside us, New Endeavor. It was a serendipitous moment that I will never forget. As I watched the boys delight in their activities at the dock, the “messages” written on the boats were engraved in my soul… feel the fear, but do it anyway.
So, you see? I had to write this article.
Fear, it’s a crazy thing. And it has gotten even crazier since I became a parent.
Prior to becoming a mom, I dealt with fear quite differently. I can recall being on a cliff in Mexico putting on a harness for a zip-line excursion. I was terrified and excited at the same time and I remember thinking, “If I die this way, I’ve had a great life and what a way to go!”
Somehow I envisioned the worst thing happening and was able to come to terms with the result. Now that I’m a mom, my strategy has failed me.
I can’t die!
My boys need me. And more importantly, they can’t die! This has created what I call crazy-mommy-fears that, while I make light, literally bring me to tears in my weakest moments.
Today’s post is not coming from someone who has the answers, I am not a psychologist. But I am a mom whose feverish love for her children has translated into intense fears of things that I wasn’t afraid of before I had kids; fears that linger in the back of my mind, despite efforts to ignore them. I’ve talked to many other moms who have experienced this. I’m hoping this discussion allows us to feel a little less crazy and a little more ready to face our fears.
A couple years ago, my mom brought a Maclean’s article to my attention: “The Bubble-Wrapped Child: How We’re Killing Kids With Caution” (this is the same woman who gracefully scooped up my toddler when he walked directly into a coiled rattlesnake and began calmly talking to him about snakes and their interesting characteristics… I was barely breathing a meter back on the path).
As the article addresses, opportunities to take chances, have adventures and take responsibility are being denied in good homes and the results are devastating; such as young people with depression and anxiety who are incapable of taking on responsibility or teens with very dangerous risk-taking behaviours that they pursue to cope with very restrictive, overprotective environments at home. I couldn’t deny what I was reading. It made sense. Despite good instincts to protect, we run the risk of “killing our kids with caution.”
My boys could not be more different. The oldest with his dark eyes, brown, thick hair and beautiful round face contrasts the little one with his bright blue eyes, thin blond hair and delicate features.
But it’s their personalities that really distinguish them. M is calm and careful, a real observer. He is ultra cautious with a love-hate-thing going on with anything risky. And then there is A, everything about him is intense, he’s either really happy or really sad and he will literally throw himself into a risky situation.
I think a lot about the nature-nurture debate and how they have developed into such different people, particularly with respect to taking risks. Sometimes I feel sad for my oldest because of what he chooses to miss due to his cautious nature. On the other hand, it terrifies me to think of some of my little one’s behaviours and how his intensity could evolve in future years.
This brings me to our role as parents. If we want our kids to share our love for adventure, we can not be their keepers. For this reason, we need to teach them well. We have to guard them without seeming to guard them. We have to “watch the dark water” in private. We have to be honest about our fears without burdening our children with the guilt of them.*
Over the past months, my family has faced fear and has experienced extreme pleasure as a result of taking risks, each of us in different ways.
My baby boy learned to walk, my big boy learned to ride his two-wheeler, my husband learned a thing or two about avalanche rescues, and I flew with my children in an airplane.
I realize that my pursuit seems to pale in comparison to the fears that my boys’ overcame. That is the thing about crazy-mommy-fears, they seem trivial and even ridiculous to other people, but to the individual they are sickeningly frightening.
* Joanna Streetly writes a beautiful piece called “Treading Water” in Between Interruption: 30 Women Tell The Truth About Motherhood that explores this same topic. I’ve incorporated some of her thoughts in this article.
Great article Marcie. The intensity of fear – really terror – was the most suprising thing to me about being a mother. It was one of the many things that made me say “why didn’t anyone tell me about this before I had kids?”
My first experience with it came when O was just 3 weeks old and some friends of my mother-in-law threw a baby shower for me. During the shower I reluctantly let them pass the baby around while I opened presents, until I realized that my infant was no longer in the room. I turned to the hostess and said “where’s my kid?” and when her response was that one of the guests, whom I had never met before that day, had “taken O for a walk” I could barely contain the panic.
It turns out they were just walking up and down the hall, not outside, but the party was over for me. All I could think about was how I couldn’t even keep track of the baby in a small group of people, how was I going to protect her from the REAL DANGERS of the world. The question still pops into my head sometimes but most of the time the answer comes from O herself – “I can do it Mommy, I’m almost 4 you know”. Sigh.
I am right there with you guys.
Seriously, I have never been as permanently panicked as I am now.
I take her with me, panic
I leave her at home, panic
I go to the park and she runs off with her friends for a minute, panic
M is such a free spirit, totally experiential and reigning her in is virtually impossible. I’ve had to spend a lot of time learning how to be the concerned observer rather than the totalitarian dictator. Some days are better than others.
Some of my fears are stronger than others – like the road. Any kid at all gets anywhere near a road and I just freak. I think I must have been mowed down by a pack of horses in another life.
But, I also find that the more I stomp up and down on my own fears the more she and I find a middle ground in terms of boundaries.
We spend a lot of time in the forest and on the beach, pretty unstructured, and she’s very aware of the dangers out there when it’s just me and her. In a group, it’s a bit more chaotic as I think she assumes that as long as someone is with her (even if that someone is 4 and as defenseless as she is), she’s safe. Gotta work on that one.
I know that there are a lot of parents that gasp at the give and take between M and me when it comes to outside time, and sometimes I wonder if I give her too much leeway to discover on her own.
Life changes on a dime, and that’s what scares the hell out of me.
What if, just that one moment that I trusted her too much, she went that one step too far that led to unbelievable heartbreak.
Gulp.
I have a friend whose children are older. She said she needs to learn how to be brave with her kids. I didn’t quite understand that until now.
I watch in panic as D rides like a demon down the hill on his two-wheeler, or makes a rope swing off his tree fort. All I can see is well….I won’t go there but it is pretty morbid. Where is the balance between letting them figure it out and the panicked shrieking, ’slow down, get off the road!’ Maybe when they are older it will be easier?!
Marcie – Great article!! I am normal – nice to know!! You are so right about your outlook changing the moment you become a parent, or even before. I remember that “no fear” lifestyle, being spontaneous, not thinking things through. Bungy Jumping, Offroading, Motorbiking, etc…. Now I don’t even pull out into traffic like I used too! Fear for them, fear for me, yikes!!
My husband just bought a little fishing boat, and this afternoon he decided he and the boys would go test it out. I will worry until they are home again….I know he took the lifejackets, but will they put them on properly? Will the boys sit nicely in the boat? R will test all limits for sure! Will the motor work or will they get stranded? Can he get the boat unloaded and into the water and watch the boys at the same time? My brain keeps thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong. By the way I’m making my husband sound a bit incompetent, he isn’t. In fact his approach to things quite often turns out better than mine. I have absolutely no cause to worry about my kids when they are in his care, but that doesn’t stop me. Do men go through this fear to? I seem to be the only one at my house with it!
Thanks again for a great article that I can totally relate to! It’s nice to know there are others who go through it to!
Cheryl…
Ask Robin, I’m worse than she is.
Great article Marcie – you honesty is comforting!
So so true! I am glad someone had the courage to say it, and quite nicely I might add!
So funny that you write this article as this topic has been haunting me all week. I thought it was just my post pregnancy hormones kicking in. I am so relieved to hear so many others have the same “crazy” fears as I have been having. My newest little one is a week old today and in the middle of the night while feeding him, looking down at his angelic face I have mini panic attacks about how I’m going to keep my family safe. I make up all these “What If” senario’s which in turn makes me into an over protective mother bear:) Thanks for this wonderful article that has helped me feel a little more normal and sane.
Thank you Marcie!! Since I’ve moved to a small, safe, isolated little town I find myself being more bound by fear. (Perhaps it just seems that way as it correlates to the time I became pregnant). I’m scared to get on a plane now, scared to drive in big cities. It’s hard to imagine that anyone will watch my little one as closely (from afar) as I will. I’ve really worked on stepping back and letting my daughter explore, as I was quite smothered when I was growing up.
Funny enough, I’m not afraid when all 3 of us are together. It makes me feel safe, as if we’re invincible as a family unit. I’m terrified when Kevin takes Avari to Nanaimo without me, I’m afraid when I go to Vancouver without them, but together we can do anything!
Sigh, I can’t even imagine letting go 15 years from now for college…
Our oldest is stubbornly independent. Oh, the stories we could tell! And our youngest- well his name is Gaelic for “bravery”- oh boy.
I have always tried to let them do things on their own, to discover consequences and boundaries in their own way. My rule has been, if no one is bleeding or being unsafe, then you can figure it out by yourself.
A couple of years ago, I realized that I was not doing a good job of letting my daughter figure out things for herself. R started doing “stupid” things, and dangerous things, and things that didn’t make sense. Weeks went by, with us trying to figure out why she was doing these things. Finally, she told us we never let her do anything by herself. It turns out, she wanted to make her own mistakes without us protecting her at every turn. She wanted more say in her own decisions. So, we tried to rein back on dictating everything she did, and she went back to being a great kid who didn’t do lots of “stupid” things.
The moral of this story, at least for me, is that as much as I may stand on the sidelines in panic, I HAVE TO let my kids take chances, make their own mistakes, learn some crummy lessons… Otherwise, they won’t grow up
to be the super cool people I know they will be.
And that is the really scary part. Letting them go, trusting them, being prepared to kiss booboos, and have serious chats. I’m not saying I’m doing well at these things- just that I’m trying. I remind myself every day of my goal- cool, well-adjusted adults. Adults that can tackle their own fear, make their own decisions, find their own boundaries.
Fear is a terrible thing. Both for the one feeling fearful, and sometimes for the one being protected from fear.
Give yourself the benefit of the doubt- you have spent your child’s whole life teaching her and giving her safe guidelines and boundaries. Now, keep your panic inside and wish your kid luck.
Hi Marcie
The article on Mom`s and fear was very interesting, as your aunty Wendy I`m very proud of you as
a young Mom with a beautiful family.Yes the fear with your children is always there, even when they are grown up and have families of their own, Moms and Grandmas are always watching and alert to any situation more so I believe when we have our grandchildren with us, now I`m afraid that maybe I`m not used to having them around all the time so I`d better be more alert ( they are 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 , 1 & six months) , the absolute love & enjoyment of the little ones is so gratifying and theraputic for me there are no words to describe the feelings as a Grandma.
Luv Aunty Wendy