I recently had the chance to catch up with Registered Clinical Counselors Monika Grunberg and Serena Patterson who run Grünberg Patterson Counselling and Psychological Services in Comox as they shared the news about an exciting, inspirational parenting speaker who will be talking about fatherhood tomorrow evening at North Island College.

Author, journalist, and environmental lawyer Calvin Sandborn will aim to break the cycle of the angry, disconnected dad wit his talk on Becoming The Kind Father at 7 p.m. Wednesday (June 23) in the Stan Hagen Theatre at North Island College in Courtenay. Admission is by donation with proceeds donated to the Boys & Girls Club, and to YANA.

The event is hosted by Grunberg Patterson Counselling and Psychological Services, and by Frances Ferguson, Registered Clinical Counsellor. For more information or to pre-register, please call Monika or Serena at 250-339-3269, or Frances at 250-871-7303. (Registration will be allowed at the door as space permits.)

I wanted to share with you an interview that Serena Patterson did with Sandborn recently to share his perspective:

Q – You say that traditional Fatherhood is obsolete—what do you mean by this?

A – The traditional “Master of the House” role is obsolete – but continues to resonate. This is unfortunate, because patriarchy has stolen men’s hearts and is killing us.

The harsh traditional father teaches his son to exercise power — and to bury his own feelings. “Take it like a man,” Dad admonishes; “Big boys don’t cry,” he warns.

Unfortunately, this repression forces the boy to ignore his inner self. He learns to hide his real feelings behind a Male Mask. He learns to transform fear and sadness into anger – and to make his family cry Dad’s tears.

But this repression can kill Dad. It’s a major reason why men’s lives are shorter, with twice the rate of heart attacks, double the rate of alcoholism, four times the suicide rate and nine times the rate of ulcers.

Changing patriarchy will be good for everybody.

Q – Many people think of the “Father’s Movement” in terms of Father’s Rights, or fathers vs. mothers for the custody of children. Does your book offer an alternative to this tug-of-war between genders over the lives of children?

A – I think so. My book is simply about how a man can be kind to himself, and form a relationship with his own heart. If a man does that, he will be gentler with the women and children in his life.

Since many men are cut off from our own feelings, we can’t relate meaningfully with family and friends. And we make up for this lost intimacy with workaholism, alcoholism, compulsive control, obsessions with TV, sports, drugs, gambling, and chronic anger.

Fortunately, men can live fuller, more authentic lives. We can learn to identify our feelings and share them with others. We can break the male anger habit, and forgive ourselves and people we love. We can choose to live in the Country of Love instead of the Country of Resentment.

But first we have to change the cruel self-talk that sons learn from fathers. When the traditional father trains his son to have “power over” others, the father addresses his son from a height and treats him harshly. The son learns to treat his inner child the same. He learns to speak harshly to himself, using the same voice that his father used. (“Show him you’re boss!” “Suck it up!” “Don’t be a wuss!”)

As a result, the son’s inner life becomes a harsh place. The ugliness of patriarchy is played out in his head, as he spends a lifetime warring against his true self. Just as patriarchy brutalizes women, it brutalizes him. He tortures himself with the self-talk that patriarchy teaches – that my heart is shameful, that I do not have the right to be who I really am. And he transfers that contempt for himself into contempt for those around him.

However, a man can change, and treat himself compassionately. He can banish the Harsh Father that dominates his self-talk. And he can daily speak to himself with encouraging words. He can become his own Kind Father.

This makes all the difference. By treating himself with compassion a man allows his heart to re-emerge — he re-establishes a relationship with self. And for the first time, close and compassionate relationships with others are possible.

Q – Do children teach men how to father them? What did your children teach you?

A – For years I tried to follow the rules and be a perfect father — but because I didn’t have a relationship with myself, I was hard on myself and hard on them. It was only after I learned to be a kind father to myself – and developed a compassionate relationship with myself — that I learned to be a better father to them.

Q – When you look at the sons of today, do you think that they will be freer and gentler than their own fathers? Are you hopeful, or worried, about the future of fathering?

A – When I look at the university students that I teach, I am encouraged. Many of them are less gender-bound than my generation. I think society is evolving positively on gender issues, but we still have many remnants of destructive behaviours.

Q – How has this book changed your life?

A – My book is all about how I learned to become a Kind Father to myself. It tells about how I learned to:

• Change my self-talk and be a kind father to myself – to encourage myself in the ways that a healthy parent nurtures his kids;
• Pay attention to what I’m feeling and give myself permission to experience it;
• Speak what I feel — and listen attentively to close friends;
• Forgive myself and others; and
• Not escape from feelings into anger – to not “blame you instead of experiencing me.”

Surprisingly, at age 45, for the first time I learned to have a kind relationship with myself. That’s a key thing in breaking the anger habit — learning to treat yourself kindly, learning to pay attention and care for your own feelings.

I learned to send away the Harsh Father that dominated my self-talk, and became my own Kind Father. I have learned how to stop being chronically angry at myself – and at those around me. Life is now way easier for me and my family. That’s why I wrote this book – to let people know that we are all flawed human beings, but we can change.