Editor’s Note: As we kick off Black Friday and people all over North America flood stores to begin their holiday shopping, women’s issues columnist Laura Busheikin takes a moment to poke more than a bit of fun at consumerism today. Here she is:
This very intriguing document was leaked to me by a colleague at an American public relations firm I sometimes write for. Not only is it definitely a thrill to have access to unreleased information from a big company like Apple, this also solves the problem of finding a unique holiday gift for my women friends.
For release December 1, 2010
New Lady iPad Promises to Keep Women Smiling
Just in time for Christmas, at the right time of the month, Apple Computers is releasing a new product that is designed to keep women happy over the holiday season and beyond.
The Lady iPad is an electronic genital management device that will give women an unprecedented level of control over their private parts. The Lady iPad is an ultra-slender silicone pad, no bigger than a panty-liner, that fits into specially designed iPanties. Controlled discreetly via wireless technology through the owner’s cell-phone, iPod Touch, iPhone, or personal computer, the Lady iPad performs a myriad of functions:
Helps you keep track of your genital moods: you can program your iPad to automatically text you or email you with updates about local conditions “down there.”
Maintains desired temperature: the Lady iPad measures temperature in the genital area and can be automatically programmed to maintain an ideal level, or given commands to raise or lower temperature as needed. Just text your Lady iPad to get warmed up for a hot date, or to cool down if you’re feeling overstimulated.
Measures humidity in the area: Not sure if you like him more than a friend? You Lady iPad will let you know! Also useful for tracking ovulation.
Makes managing menstruation easy: Lady iPad brand-iMenstrual Pads and iTampons connect to your device, which measures their humidity and will text, phone or email you if they need changing.
Enhances your personal pleasure: use the vibrate function alone or with one of the Lady iPad’s silicone attachments. You can also share your Lady iPad password with a special friend so they can surprise you by activating Lady iPad functions from afar (not recommended while operating heavy machinery or driving).
Lets your privates speak out: with our exclusive Vagina Monologues App, the Lady iPad will communicate its moods and desires to your computer, iPhone or other device, which will play the appropriate sound clip, including phrases such as, “That feels good,” “Hands off,” “I need some attention,” “F%@# you,” or, conversely, “F&%! me.”
…and even lets them sing!
The Vagina Musical Monologues App will allow your Lady iPad to wirelessly select and play songs on your computer or iPod (or your lover’s) based on data collected at source. Choose from hundreds of songs, including Aretha’s Sisters are Doing it to Themselves, The Supremes’ Stop in the Name of Love, The Pointer Sisters’ Slow Hand, The Rolling Stones’ I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love, and The Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight. This App has all the music your genitalia need to express themselves!
This product is based on the premise that, as our lives become digitalized, it makes sense to design computers specifically to enhance our intimate functions.
“We already have social networking, which develops and encourages relationships. This is just the next step,” says Lady iPad developer Bea Haught.
A similar product for men will not be far behind, Apple promises. The company is currently working on a Mr. iTouch, a specially fitted electronic device to help them manage their “iJoystick,” as Apple CEO Steve Jobs playfully calls his. Industry observers predict we will soon see the rise of an iGenital revolution, with hard competition and sudden spurts of market growth.
I’ve got to say I had mixed feelings when I first read about this. After all, in my previous two columns for OBE I wrote about the need to keep our bodies OUT of the grasp of marketing, products, and cultural pressures. But I also called for more power and pleasure in our lives, and this little device surely promises more of those.
Not only can I now text my vagina, my vagina can text me back! It can even text President Obama (no disrespect intended) . . . or Johnny Depp!
All I can say is, iGottaHaveIt!