Your Healthy Nature – Depeleted Mom Syndrome
I was reading Canadian Parent recently and came across an article that totally resonated with me. In it, the author talked about the realities of how exasperating and exhausting parenting can be at times. But, what really struck a cord in my head was his assertion that women in particular often suffer from depleted mom syndrome – a condition that goes well beyond post-partum depression and permeates the lives of young mothers.
While I don’t know that I entirely buy it as a diagnosis, I could definitely see at least a few of my friends in the description of women who’ve gotten to that place – including myself.
For the last six months or so, I’ve been really battling my ability to make everything happen in my life. It’s been a space that has exhausted me, helped me gain 30 pounds and given me cause to believe that somehow I have lost a bit of power over my own existence.
I started watching other moms around me to see if I could connect with someone because I really wasn’t willing to go down the path of medication or post-partum depression ho-hah. I knew I was dealing with some of that too. But, this was different.
What I started to see was a collection of motherhood that was in full overwhelm. These women were drowning and I felt right there with them. It scared the hell out of me.
You know how you get to that place some days where you know you’ve taken on too much? Well, imagine feeling like that all of the time and realizing that there was no possible way to relieve yourself of the responsibilities – that you had actually created a world full of things that you could not walk away from no matter what you thought was the right thing for the health of your family and yourself.
It’s a scary place.
I’ve never been the queen of balance, and I have trouble saying no when people ask me to lend a hand. So, when it finally occurred to me that I had hit the wall finding myself feeling alone, pissed off and a bit out of control I shouldn’t have been surprised. And, honestly, I wasn’t. But, what I left in my wake was both incredibly personally painful and a shocking wake-up call.
A friend of mine said the other day that there was a point in her life where her children had become a task rather than a connective experience of love and family. I cried a bit for her and realized that’s how I felt about everything – from my kids (please don’t judge me, it’s a horrible realization to come to), to my relationship with Ken, my family, the sad state of my friendships and most definitely my work.
Everything that I had worked so hard to build and the things that had inspired me to do all that I had was nothing more than another thing on the to-do list every day. I looked at my kids and saw more work. I looked at my husband and saw a great guy who would just have to wait because I had nothing left to give him. I looked at work and saw something that I had come to resent.
This wasn’t depression (because I had finally said I needed help with that and it wasn’t helping). This was one very seriously depleted life. I had lost my inner light and was too exhausted to ask for help to rediscover it externally.
So, when I read this story about depleted mom syndrome something went off in my head and I understood that it was (and is) time for me to regroup, re-evaluate, reach out to my friends and family, make some very difficult decisions.
Over the next couple months I know for sure that my life – our lives – will change dramatically. It has to. Living a depleted life is much like conceding to a zombie-like existence. It is hollow and while I know so many of us cope with this space in our lives at one point or another, the collective of womanhood is about connection and empowerment. I’m so very much in need of rediscovering that place.
As for the author of the depleted mom syndrome piece, thanks so very much for the springboard. It’s always amazing to me how ideas can be contagious and start a fire under someone.
Wait, did I just see an inner spark?:)
Category: INSPIRED ACTION, Mom & Dad, On Motherhood
About the Author (Author Profile)
Robin Rivers is Our Big Earth’s Publisher and Sr. Partner. Able to survive on coffee alone. Often can be found leaping tall buildings with the help of great friends. Predisposed to odd hats and the color orange. In love with imagination, her kids and that crazy guy who married her.Subscribe
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You’ll never lose your spark, hon. Take care. You’re still an inspiration to many. xo (though.. p.s. I totally get where you’re coming from on this one.. )
Wow Robin,
I cried reading this. This sums up my life for the last 20 months. It feels a little less isolating to know there are other mom’s in this same place. Thank you for putting this out there. I came to the realization a few months ago that I was just burnt out and “done”. Since then my husband has been trying to help me get some me time… Something I haven’t had in 3.5 years! It has helped a little and I’m starting to see a way out, but it is sure hard when your in the middle of it, and everyone’s needs seem to supersede your own.
hugs. i feel you. Lately i started thinking about how negative all my FB status updates are and the only way i could do anything about it was to stop updating, because..well, i feel negative..a lot of the time. kids are exhausting, nursing all night is brutal, and smiling for the community is emotionally draining~ i don’t know how you do it! be gentle with yourself, your mojo will return..i’m assuming mine will too!
Hey all you super awesome mamas! (i know you are ‘cuz otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling burnt out and overwhelmed) Dig out some space to recharge! Your family and your community needs your spark, your love and you inspiration more than clean laundry or dishes. . . .and please please don’t be scared to ask for help! All us other mamas out here need help too and when we share the load it not only eases the work load, but also the mental load.
The gratitude game works wonders too! Peace.
As a single mom of a 4 year old, working full-time with a dependant parent, I depleted about 9 months ago, like for real! I woke up sleeping, I sent my son to daycare in pj’s and with his uneaten breakfast, I never made it to work on time so I was at work past my son’s dinner time. I fell alseep on the side of the road for hours so I stayed late at work till my son’s bedtime occassionally. If I did have a evening, once a week or so, I spent the evening sleeping. Then the weekend was one day sleeping, one day cleaning. I reserved 20 min a day for my son and I felt completely disconnected because my only goal was to get him to sleep ASAP. I would use my long weekends to cook meals (30-50) to freeze for dinners and lunches. I used up my vacation 4 hours a week to try to get more time with my son, but usually got a massage instead or ran errands! Then I had no vacation for two years! I didn’t even have friends because i was working/caring/cleaning/sleeping, with no time for socializing.
My vacations were my sick days where I would get chronic, difficult to treat skin and respiratory infections. I ran out of sick days when I was contemplating taking some holidays to recover from bronchitis and I realized I was burned out and resolved to not return to work till I was well.. that was last christmas. At first, they sent me the psyche route but when the sleep disorder was discovered, then under doc supervision I changed the meds that had already put 30 lbs on in three months!
I stopped the rollercoaster ride and got onto LTD. My doc thinks I havn’t recovered yet from the birth of my son. I haven’t premade a meal for ages, I increased my house help from 2 hours a week to 12 a week, I reduced the time my son is in daycare. I am learning nonviolent communication to actually have a healthy relationship with my son. I am taking steps to make my 65 year able mother to be independant of me. I am not totally well yet but I hope that I am not permanantly disabled (all those infections may have done permanant lung damage and I am a life long non-smoker)
is this depleted mother syndrome? SINGLE mother syndrome or just life!
Robin, you are so brave and open and generous and honest and…here comes the big one… normal!!! Yippee!!!
I remember, when I read that you’d taken a position on the board of the local Chamber of Commerce, I said to my sister, “How does she do it? New baby, home-schooling eldest daughter, (at the time,) running her own business, involved in the community, etc. etc.”
You are so very wise to recognize what’s going on and make some changes. I’ve learned to lower my expectations in terms of what I can accomplish, and there are some areas of my life that have definitely suffered, (friendships is #1.) I love Gloria Steinem’s words: “Women can have it all; just not at the same time.”
It also helps to realize that our children are only young once. Before we know it, they’ll be independent little souls who don’t require as much time from us.
We are human. This is likely the busiest, most challenging time of our lives, so we need to give ourselves a break! We don’t have to be superheroes, we just need to do the best we can.
And I so agree with Sky; live in a place of gratitude.
I am so thankful that we have you in our community Robin. You are inspirational.
It is truly amazing to me to see how things like this are such a point of connection. Thank you guys so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. I think it makes us all so much stronger to know that we are in it together.
Robin
Thank you for your very honest and courageous reflection. I expect that many will find it so freeing!
Amazingly honest article Robin and wonderful responses. I know and understand this space. This from a grandma. I think the most important thing mothers of young children need to do is create a support network and ask for help. I know it is hard to ask, but truly people like to help. Time for yourself is so important. I have a mother of young children friend who has been very good at this from the start, and I admire her. We cannot do it all ourselves. Cliche, but it truly does “take a village”. And our villages need to become aware of it.
Not just you young mothers, either. We, hubby and I, both suffer from depletion almost constantly at present and it isn’t fun for anyone plus I am sure my health issues would resolve faster if I was a functioning, sleeping, person.
As usual, Robin, you hit it outta the ballpark with this one. But what do we all do about? Old fashioned “cook for others” doesn’t always work because of dietary concerns. Perhaps a cookie swap at a coffee shop so no one has to wash up? Group play dates? There must be some solutions out there………
I think this is a very true reality for many moms. And, I have been through it too and it is not beautiful.
I came to the conclusion that this was happening because my expectations of what having kids is like did not match what it actually IS like and What much more responsibility it is like. —- I think women, including myself, think that we can do everything. This feeling is not good, it is overwhelming.
My peace came when I realized that I cannot do everything 100%. If I decide to give my family more attention (because whatever you give attention is what’s going to flourish)then, my career, or whatever you call it, is going to have to go at a slower pace. But slow HAS to be okay after you have kids. Why did I have kids? If we focus on wanting to be everything for everybody all the time, we give nothing to anybody all the time. After reading and reading and reading I realized that the more HAPPY and IN THE PRESENT moment time I give my family, the happier they will be AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, the happier I will be.
Thank you for writing this. I don’t feel personally depleted, but my husband definitely does, and he tells me so. He is staying home with the kids while I work more-than-full-time, so he has the majority of the childcare, and almost all the housework and cooking. I do some laundry and dishes at night and on weekends, that sort of thing, but the lion’s share is his. He is struggling to do it all, and I see how exhausting that is for him, especially with two kids under 4. It’s good to read your perspective, because it helps me understand his a little better.