Why Is It The Sisterhood of Motherhood Isn't Always Warm and Welcoming?
I sat across the table from a new friend recently, martini and wine glasses collecting between us, in a bit of awe. It had been one hell of a week and we both needed to downshift, dumping a bit about motherhood, womanhood and the general state of our hoods when what seems to have become a painfully reoccurring conversation amongst women spontaneously erupted.
An accomplished woman, she felt disconnected from the expectedness of motherhood. Life hadn’t taken her in the direction of sewing handmade skirts in the living room and stenciling her kid’s room on her day off. Martha Stewart wasn’t her role model and it pissed her off a bit that she felt constantly judged by the collective of motherhood for choosing a different path.
The landscape of moms is populated by all types. There’s no denying it and – yes – there is plenty to shake our heads at, sometimes even from our own selves. But, I am forever stumped at why women as a collective are so stinking hard on each other – like it’s a great competition to see who can finish the race on top. Not that any of us know what the definition of “on top” actually constitutes or what winning means or how our children – who are their own humans – will actually turn out based on any of our own personal knowledge.
When you think about it, the fact that we all sit around determining who has the best philosophy is incredibly self-defeating. Just from my own personal experience, the faults of the parents do not necessarily determine the life of the child. Not that we want kids to suffer or spend 10 years in therapy repairing themselves. But, plenty of people have come through childhoods that could be categorized as nothing short of utter sadness and become absolutely amazing adults.
Yet, the competition continues. On a daily basis I see and hear about moms who have become isolated and feeling disconnected from the whole over things that ultimately have no bearing on relationships and the value of a woman. Let’s check a few out and ask why:
1. Cloth diapering vs. disposables. I cannot tell you how many moms – including myself – constantly apologize for using disposable diapers and hope they don’t run into anyone at the grocery store with a package of diapers in their cart. Reasons for using cloth and using disposies vary greatly and even now I’m feeling compelled to explain away why you may occasionally see my kid in a diaper that will go in the trash can so that I don’t get judged. Eeep.
2. Breast feeding vs. bottle fed. Oh my goodness, I have never seen an issue that separates women more than boob versus bottle. Let’s get real people. It doesn’t always work – even for the experts. I once had a midwife tell me that she didn’t have enough milk with her second child and had to bottle feed, hiding it the whole time from her co-workers and other women. We should never have to hide with our children for fear that other women will think less of us.
3. Stay-at-home vs. Working Mom. Careers can bring great peace and satisfaction to women. So can staying at home with our kids. We are amazingly productive and great contributors to bettering society. Staying at home is an awesome choice – that is an amazing contribution. Going to work is important too. Both take guts. Both can mean healthy, solid families. No judgers please.
4. Crafty Mom vs. Vogue. Creativity at any level should be celebrated. If you make cool stuff, right on. If you put the funkiest outfits together, right on. No one wins the race here, this is a level playing field of art, life and personal sensibility.
5. Homemade vs. Takeout. More power to the mom who loves to spend her time in the kitchen creating incredibly wholesome meals for her kids. Life isn’t always that gracious. Take out Chinese food works just as good. Party on.
6. Public School. Private School. Home School. Families have to make the educational and personal choices when it comes to their kids that work for them. The club atmosphere that can be found in different educational choices is challenging at times, other times it just seems like parents think they are better because of the path they took. Yay for advocating for the choice you make. Ease up on the folks who make different ones.
Motherhood is such a tricky hood to navigate. None of us REALLY know what we are doing and our kids challenge us constantly in terms of that reality. Challenging each other on the small stuff seems kind of silly when, really – as a friend said recently – “I just wanted someone to listen with a sympathetic ear and pass me a drink.”
I know that a giant love fest isn’t very realistic either. But, the next time you see a mom in the store having a rough day, yelling at her kids or doing something you may think is completely ridiculous, reaching out with a sense of sisterhood may just make a giant difference. Sometimes we don’t need advice or “you should”‘s. We just need each other, flaws and all.
Category: INSPIRED ACTION, On Motherhood
About the Author (Author Profile)
Robin Rivers is Our Big Earth’s Publisher and Sr. Partner. Able to survive on coffee alone. Often can be found leaping tall buildings with the help of great friends. Predisposed to odd hats and the color orange. In love with imagination, her kids and that crazy guy who married her.Subscribe
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great post. oh so true (sadly). i hear betty freidan on the radio once and she said that until women start getting out of boxes (homes) and start working together to raise children etc. nothing will change for women. she stated that women must stop judging each other’s choices and be much more supportive of one another.
thanks for writing this!
Thank you for this amazing post!!!!
I hope everyone can take this to heart. Wouldn’t the world be a sad place if we were all the same?
Embrace, be curious, be understanding and open. You’ll always come out the wiser.
Since becoming a mom, I have felt so judged – so heartbroken and lost – yet sometimes in moments of clarity I feel that this occurs because we’re all simply trying to determine our place in a role that is so very complex. Maybe the judgement is because we’re using others as an assessment of where we are ourselves.
I think I have missed out on many wonderful friendships because of my judgement toward others and their judgement towards me. It is quite sad – but where is the solution?
Thanks for writing this Robin. I hope my comment will inspire other women to be honest about this topic too.
Maybe the answer is simply talking about it more – getting it out and preventing it from festering in the fertile ground of our insecurities.
Ah Bethany, I think you hit the nail on the head with our own insecurities. I am most judgmental when I am feeling challenged or that I could possibly be wrong. Being open to new ideas and a whole lot of different types of people can really put your code to the test.
Great starting point. Thanks.
Bethany,
You expressed exactly how I have felt too! Especially since moving to a new community far from my support network of friends and family. Being terribly shy and extremely self-judging, it just seems simpler to keep within our own four walls.
Hopefully this will inspire me to get out there, take some risks and test the waters of building some new relationships
Thanks for sharing this post Robin!
Excellent post Robin! It is such a strange shift that has happened where women feel so isolated and judged and judgmental when it comes to their parenting. it is definitely time for a change!
Great post! I was just having this discussion the other day. My husband and I are talking about starting a family and I mentioned that along with all the other pressures of being a mother there is this unspoken feeling that you also have to be a super mom….glad to know I’m not alone in this one!
Thanks Robin!
Loved this post. As a grandmother I can tell Allyson this is no shift – it was the same 30+ years ago. And still needs to change. Watched Jack’s celebration today – love, hope, optimism. Maybe it is time. Mom’s cannot do it alone and we all need to get involved and give love.
Maybe this is bigger than motherhood. We live in a product and consumerism driven society that places more value on economics than raising children. I think it’s going to take a huge shift on many levels before motherhood is valued for what it is as opposed to the children (products) we produce.
Great post. I’ve noticed this dynamic between women since my older daughter was a baby. I’ve even had to take a hard look at this side of myself. I think women are often competitive and it may be safer to do this with other women. Strange, as the approval and friendship of other women is crucial to our well being.
Yay! Thank you for writing this! When my son was small I did let myself feel judged, or wounded, by those who had a very strong opinion on parenting. Now that my kid is older, I am a bit more experienced, I have more perspective.
I would feel quite hurt when stay-at-home moms would say, “I can’t just go to work and have my child raised by *other people.*” *Other people* would be said in a very sneering kind of way.
Meanwhile, I had to work since my son was quite young. Of course, I wanted to be with my child every minute of the day, but that wasn’t in the cards for me and I had to make some money for our family. I don’t think these moms would say that to hurt me in particular, but I already longed to be with my baby and missed him terribly, combined with that comment just added to the mama-guilt.
It used to be that women could only stay in the home, that was really one of their few options in society. Many women in the past century worked hard to be able to have shared parenting with the father so they could also pursue their own careers and fulfill other areas of their lives–I feel recently there has been a backlash to that.
I totally think staying at home to raise your child is also an amazing opportunity if a mom chooses to go that route. And I think that work is undervalued. But you’re right Robin, there is no superior method.
Another thing that gets my goat is when people dis public schools because they don’t want their child “exposed to other peoples influences.” Yes, there may be “negative” influences sometimes, but there is diversity there and experiential learning opportunities. We need to support our public schools because they are an amazing resource that continues to get hacked at and are under-appreciated.
And heck, my kid goes to public schools. And we could be considered one of those “negative influences” depending on your point of view (as a unmarried, pagan/atheist/socialist/anarchist family with tattoos who blares heavy metal music from the car as they drop off their child at the school).
eek, lots of typos above! I was stream of consciousness…